Tips for Separated Parents During the Holidays
Many newly separate people dread the first holiday season as a newly restructured family. This year, with the constraints of physical distancing and the government’s ask that families not gather for the holidays, the worry about loneliness, the weight of a new chapter, and the sadness of not seeing your kids exists more than ever.
Most Separation Agreements and/or Parenting Plans provide a schedule for the holidays. Some families manage the schedule year by year. Some families will continue to have the holidays together, and some will celebrate separately. Whatever your reality is, it’s a special time for your children (and often for you) and there are ways to continue keeping the holiday spirit alive.
Here are some tips and thoughts on managing the holidays:
Christmas morning can be any day. It doesn’t have to be December 25. If Christmas morning is your special time, and you don’t have your children every Christmas morning, designate another day to wake up and open Christmas under the tree. Maybe Santa comes early in your household. Most kids will love two Christmases.
Start a new holiday tradition on a day that isn’t Christmas. Maybe you take on a holiday craft (like candle making or baking) and make holiday gifts as a family. Maybe you decorate the tree together and have special and new traditions around that. Find something that your kids can look forward to year over year that is time together.
Get involved. There are so many people in need and that is amplified over the holidays. If you have extra time (time that may have been devoted to family), think about whether this is the year to lend a hand. Even in COVID, there are so many ways to volunteer.
Make plans. If you are not having Christmas with your children this year, then have a plan to have it with someone else if that’s important to you. Yes, gatherings have to be small and intimate. But there are ways to visit that are safe. Plan ahead so you can enjoy the time.
Coordinate gift giving with your co-parent. If your tradition is to give your children gifts together, there is no reason this has to change. If a child wants something big, and it makes sense to give together, give. Children always love when the family comes together for special occasions and this is a gesture to model that it’s ok. If it is emotionally safe and feasible to do so, don’t be afraid to spend time all together at Christmas.
Buy for the other parent. It’s important that you and your former spouse help your kids buy presents (or make them!) for the other so your children feel that everyone has been accounted for and thought of. This is particularly so with younger kids. This will take the pressure off them from also worrying about their first new Christmas and worrying about the other parent who is alone. It will dawn on them on Christmas Day that the other parent may not have had Santa come and it is important that both parents are ready to relieve that worry.
Remind your children to enjoy the holidays with the other parent. Children worry that the parent they are not with will be lonely or sad. This will impact their holiday. Make sure to reassure them that you will be ok and they don’t have to take care of you or take on worry.
Don’t forget the old traditions. If there is a tradition in your family that your children treasure, make sure to maintain it. Maybe it’s amended based on new realities but honour it and do your best to upkeep it.
Be kind. The holidays are not the time to nitpick the parenting schedule and call out breaches. Do not run to your lawyer or pursue court unless it truly is an urgent safety matter. Give a runway for flexibility and grace. This is a hard time to be a separated family, especially if it’s new.
Stay safe. This will be the hardest time for many not to be surrounded by family and friends. It’s important that you remember that your household (for COVID safety measures) includes your co-parent if your children live in both households. Be transparent and honest with your co-parent about your plans. Set physical distancing and safety protocols together, now, that you are both comfortable with. If you are having trouble reaching a resolution, bring in a mediator to help facilitate the conversation so that there is no fighting over the holidays.